For Better or Worse

In my life, I have been blessed abundantly. I have two healthy children despite their tumultuous beginnings. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my refrigerator. I want for nothing save petty things that do not matter. Perhaps my greatest blessing however is the one I take for granted the most; my husband.

Our journey together has not been an easy one. There has been great strife, contention, sorrow, and quite frankly the temptation to call it quits. Despite all of this we have managed to stick it out. Together we have a partnership that has stood up against trials as well as the trivial. I know that I am one of the few, lucky ones that can make this claim and it is with no shame that I say I count my marriage as one of my greatest achievements. 

Obviously, I did not get to this place alone. My husband, who is so willing to love me, irritate me, and put up with me, has been my companion through it all. There are few people that I respect as much I as do my husband and I am grateful, often more than I let be known, for his constant presence in my life. Although we are now facing what could prove to be yet another great challenge, I know that we will as we always have, conquer it together.     

Kasen Colt

After everything my husband and I had gone through to get our daughters into the world, we were content with our family size. So it came as quite a shock when I found out I was having yet another child. So much so, in fact, that I was convinced it was just a false positive. When the doctor confirmed that I was in fact going to have a baby, I tried to prepare myself for the roller coaster of emotion I was about to go on. We found out relatively early on that we would be having a boy (much to the dismay of my husband) and so I convinced myself that this time things would be different. Armed with even more experience I approached this new pregnancy as if it were a final battle. I was going to do whatever it took to keep this little guy in my belly and out of the NICU. I had the cerclage again, but this time I added progesterone injects and contraction monitors to my arsenal. I had two bouts of preterm labor, one of which was due to a bad stomach bug (I had literally thrown up to the point of labor). All was looking good, until at 35 weeks I decided to finish my Christmas shopping at the mall rather than from the couch like I should have.  Within 24 hours my water had broken and on December 21 2006 Kasen Colt was born. Although he was only slightly premature, he had trouble breathing on his own. He was moved to the level 3 NICU on Christmas Eve in order to be intubated  and given surfactant. Although Kambre had been very ill, she had never been to the level 3 NICU so this was quite a blow. Twenty days after Kasen was born he was released from the hospital on a apnea monitor and in a car bed because he couldn't keep his oxygen saturations up. Since that time Kasen has grown in leaps and bounds. He is now a robust 4 year old. He still has some breathing trouble due to allergies, but he may have had those anyway due to genetics. Kasen is yet another reminder to me that our only limits are those that we set for ourselves and nothing is impossible.

Kambre Anne

After Darby left our lives, I was filled with an emptiness. I longed for a child more than ever and could not be persuaded against the idea. Reluctantly, my husband went along with my plan. By August I was pregnant again. This time I was slightly more prepared to deal with and identify any problems that might arise. I had a procedure called a cerclage done at 12 weeks and thought for sure that my worries were over. By 26 weeks of pregnancy, this proved not to be the case. I was went into labor, but for the time being, the doctors were able to stop it. This happened twice more. Finally on January 30th my water broke under the constant strain of contractions. Almost exactly 24 hours later my daughter Kambre Anne was born. I had carried her for 31 weeks, but that was not nearly long enough. Like most preemies she had trouble maintaining her body temperature and her oxygen levels. She also could not eat on her own. Additionally two ventricles on either side of her brain had hemorrhaged. One of these hemorrhages caused her brain to scar. Due to her lack of progress and the scarring, we were told she would probably have some form of Cerebral Palsy. She was released from the hospital on Good Friday, a full two and a half months after being born. Since that time she has shocked everyone with her amazing resilience. She has overcome, quite  effortlessly, some insurmountable obstacles. Last year Kambre started Kindergarten and I was anxious to see where she stood academically.  One day, I received an email from her teacher to tell me that she was going to refer Kambre to the gifted program! To say that I am proud of my daughter would be a grievous understatement. She has taught me so many things over the years that I truly do not know where I would be without my strong, funny, smart little girl.

Darby Elizabeth

When I was 18 I had a doctor tell me that due to some medical problems I had, it would be wise to have children as soon as possible if I wanted to have them at all and even then it may never come to pass. Fortunately for me, my then boyfriend was willing to test this theory out. We were married in May of the following year. In January, I got what I still consider to be the best news of my life. I was pregnant with our first child! Although this is an everyday, mundane occurrence to most people, for me it literally the sum of my every hope and prayer. It wasn't until some months later that that dream was dashed against the rocks of life. On April 18th 2004 I started having some complications. I went to the hospital and found out that I was in labor. Due to hospital policy, it was determined that no action would be taken to stop my labor. Since I was only 19 weeks along we knew that our child would not be able to survive. Darby Elizabeth was born and passed away on April 19th 2004. I have often been known to say that it's ironic how the best and worst day of one's life can revolve around the same person. This is most certainly how I regard Darby. It has now been over seven years since we lost our daughter. Although I am not in the same place that I was when it happened, I still have moments in which the pain is no less poignant that it was back then. I am convinced that Darby's memory will forever stir my soul. Her life, although it lasted just a moment, changed mine forever.