That's the Beat of the Heart

     A heartbeat, the simple sound of life. Sometimes its presents goes unnoticed while other times it is all that matters. Today was one of those moments where a heartbeat needed to be heard. It was the sound that I ached to hear, I prayed to hear. When that soft whoosh whoosh came from the ultrasound machine I came completely undone. There is was lying on the table and I finally was hearing the sound of hope, the sound of fears diminishing, the sound of assurance that I had longed to hear for over a year. Today I heard a heartbeat were once no sound remained. For this day I will forever be grateful.

Choices

       It's funny how life can turn an optimist into a pessimist with just a few twists and turns. I used to be eternally bubbly and positive. Then I lost Darby and that changed a bit. Then Kambre and Kasen were born too soon with too many complications and a little bit more changed.  After that it was the passing of two little people that I will never get to meet on this side of heaven and BOOM! Suddenly I was a negative person. 

       I didn't mean for that to be the case. I loath keeping my hopes in check so that the sadness of disappointment doesn't consume me. I despise that fact that when I do actually get good news, I immediately start waiting for something to go wrong. Regardless of my distaste for my pessimistic outlook, I often feel I don't have a choice in the matter. I feel as if my very being has become negativity embodied. 

       The truth, however, is that I DO have a choice. I can choose to embrace my situation, struggles and all, with a conviction that I will make it through whatever it is that I am facing. Even though I can't be sure things will go my way, I can press forward and not become defined by my struggle. I can decide to see the light while I'm in the darkness and let that light become my focus.

       To shroud everything in a negative light or to embrace the possibility of hope is a choice that I must make every moment. There will undoubtedly be times when I don't have the strength to make the positive choice, but I will relish those times when I do choose it. Although I may never be eternally optimistic, I am hopeful that one day my positive days far outnumber my days of doubt.