Blessings That Bring Joy

It is often very hard for me to find a blessing when life is not going the way I want it to. Recently I've been begging for some comfort and just a little bit of good news. You see, having a good friend die and two miscarriages all in the last six months has really taken it's toll on me and my faith. I was caught up in weakness and despair. Then last Friday came around and that all changed some.

First of all, my doctor's office called and actually had good news. The testing I had done all came back normal. Although this means that since there is nothing wrong the doctor has nothing to fix, it still quieted my soul to know that my body was in relative working order.

I also found out that my daughter was accepted into the charter school that I applied her to many months ago. Educating my children has been an all consuming problem for me these last few years (to the point that I've mentioned it to nearly everyone I've come into contact with since it all began). The public school in our district failed epically at providing sound education for my daughter and finding an alternative has proven to be quite a challenge. This last year, with no where else to turn, I homeschooled my children. It wasn't pretty. In fact it was a source of stress and contention in my household nearly the whole year through. My children learned what they needed, but it took a toll on everyone. So to have an answer, a place equipped to teach is a tremendous relief for me. We are still waiting on my son's acceptance into the same school for kindergarten, but at the moment I am content in the knowledge that my daughter will be taken care of.

The bottom line is I'll take these little blessings. The Lord knows that I've needed them. For the first time in a long time and am feeling a sense of peace and dare I say joy.

 

Even if it Breaks Your Heart

    Long before The Eli Young Band sang it, Will Hoge sang "Even if it Breaks Your Heart". Although this particular song is about an singer following his dream, it resonates with me. I have followed my dream of having children past the point of heart break not once but 5 times. I am blessed beyond measure by the two children that, despite tumultuous beginnings, are now playing loudly in the playroom. At the same time my soul aches for the ones that left too soon. Yet still find myself dreaming that one day I will have another healthy baby.

   Recently I had some testing done to see what might be causing me to miscarry. As I wait for the results I tremble in fear. What if they find something, and at the same time what if they don't? What if they can't "fix" that broken part of me that is causing all of this? Will I be ok if I never get to have another baby? Will this dream break more than my heart but my sanity as well?  These are the questions that swirl in my mind today.

  I think of those blessed individuals that have never been faced with miscarriage or child loss. Although I envy them, I know that my path towards my dream of having children has shaped me into who I am. I am stronger than I ever realized I could be. I find hope in the hopeless. I keep on dreaming despite heart break, uncertainty, and fear. Above all I am still standing.