Long before The Eli Young Band sang it, Will Hoge sang "Even if it Breaks Your Heart". Although this particular song is about an singer following his dream, it resonates with me. I have followed my dream of having children past the point of heart break not once but 5 times. I am blessed beyond measure by the two children that, despite tumultuous beginnings, are now playing loudly in the playroom. At the same time my soul aches for the ones that left too soon. Yet still find myself dreaming that one day I will have another healthy baby.
Recently I had some testing done to see what might be causing me to miscarry. As I wait for the results I tremble in fear. What if they find something, and at the same time what if they don't? What if they can't "fix" that broken part of me that is causing all of this? Will I be ok if I never get to have another baby? Will this dream break more than my heart but my sanity as well? These are the questions that swirl in my mind today.
I think of those blessed individuals that have never been faced with miscarriage or child loss. Although I envy them, I know that my path towards my dream of having children has shaped me into who I am. I am stronger than I ever realized I could be. I find hope in the hopeless. I keep on dreaming despite heart break, uncertainty, and fear. Above all I am still standing.
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