That's the Beat of the Heart

     A heartbeat, the simple sound of life. Sometimes its presents goes unnoticed while other times it is all that matters. Today was one of those moments where a heartbeat needed to be heard. It was the sound that I ached to hear, I prayed to hear. When that soft whoosh whoosh came from the ultrasound machine I came completely undone. There is was lying on the table and I finally was hearing the sound of hope, the sound of fears diminishing, the sound of assurance that I had longed to hear for over a year. Today I heard a heartbeat were once no sound remained. For this day I will forever be grateful.

Choices

       It's funny how life can turn an optimist into a pessimist with just a few twists and turns. I used to be eternally bubbly and positive. Then I lost Darby and that changed a bit. Then Kambre and Kasen were born too soon with too many complications and a little bit more changed.  After that it was the passing of two little people that I will never get to meet on this side of heaven and BOOM! Suddenly I was a negative person. 

       I didn't mean for that to be the case. I loath keeping my hopes in check so that the sadness of disappointment doesn't consume me. I despise that fact that when I do actually get good news, I immediately start waiting for something to go wrong. Regardless of my distaste for my pessimistic outlook, I often feel I don't have a choice in the matter. I feel as if my very being has become negativity embodied. 

       The truth, however, is that I DO have a choice. I can choose to embrace my situation, struggles and all, with a conviction that I will make it through whatever it is that I am facing. Even though I can't be sure things will go my way, I can press forward and not become defined by my struggle. I can decide to see the light while I'm in the darkness and let that light become my focus.

       To shroud everything in a negative light or to embrace the possibility of hope is a choice that I must make every moment. There will undoubtedly be times when I don't have the strength to make the positive choice, but I will relish those times when I do choose it. Although I may never be eternally optimistic, I am hopeful that one day my positive days far outnumber my days of doubt. 

Holding my Breath and Crossing my Legs

Here we go again is all I can think right now. Recently after a ridiculous amount of peeing on sticks, I discovered that I've conceived yet again. As most know, this is merely the first step in a LONG journey from two lines to a baby in my arms. The whole process rarely works out for me, but yet I still have hope that it might. So far everything looks like it's going alright. My HCG levels are doubling and are appropriately high for my length of gestation and my progesterone levels are adequate. Also my new RE has "watched me like a hawk" as she promised to do. She allowed me to supplement my progesterone for peace of mind and also put me on baby aspirin just in case. I am blessed to have found her and it is her diligence in care that has kept me sane during a week where ever little pain or twinge has puts me in a tizzy. So for now I'm holding my breath, crossing my legs, and praying for the best!

Blessings That Bring Joy

It is often very hard for me to find a blessing when life is not going the way I want it to. Recently I've been begging for some comfort and just a little bit of good news. You see, having a good friend die and two miscarriages all in the last six months has really taken it's toll on me and my faith. I was caught up in weakness and despair. Then last Friday came around and that all changed some.

First of all, my doctor's office called and actually had good news. The testing I had done all came back normal. Although this means that since there is nothing wrong the doctor has nothing to fix, it still quieted my soul to know that my body was in relative working order.

I also found out that my daughter was accepted into the charter school that I applied her to many months ago. Educating my children has been an all consuming problem for me these last few years (to the point that I've mentioned it to nearly everyone I've come into contact with since it all began). The public school in our district failed epically at providing sound education for my daughter and finding an alternative has proven to be quite a challenge. This last year, with no where else to turn, I homeschooled my children. It wasn't pretty. In fact it was a source of stress and contention in my household nearly the whole year through. My children learned what they needed, but it took a toll on everyone. So to have an answer, a place equipped to teach is a tremendous relief for me. We are still waiting on my son's acceptance into the same school for kindergarten, but at the moment I am content in the knowledge that my daughter will be taken care of.

The bottom line is I'll take these little blessings. The Lord knows that I've needed them. For the first time in a long time and am feeling a sense of peace and dare I say joy.

 

Even if it Breaks Your Heart

    Long before The Eli Young Band sang it, Will Hoge sang "Even if it Breaks Your Heart". Although this particular song is about an singer following his dream, it resonates with me. I have followed my dream of having children past the point of heart break not once but 5 times. I am blessed beyond measure by the two children that, despite tumultuous beginnings, are now playing loudly in the playroom. At the same time my soul aches for the ones that left too soon. Yet still find myself dreaming that one day I will have another healthy baby.

   Recently I had some testing done to see what might be causing me to miscarry. As I wait for the results I tremble in fear. What if they find something, and at the same time what if they don't? What if they can't "fix" that broken part of me that is causing all of this? Will I be ok if I never get to have another baby? Will this dream break more than my heart but my sanity as well?  These are the questions that swirl in my mind today.

  I think of those blessed individuals that have never been faced with miscarriage or child loss. Although I envy them, I know that my path towards my dream of having children has shaped me into who I am. I am stronger than I ever realized I could be. I find hope in the hopeless. I keep on dreaming despite heart break, uncertainty, and fear. Above all I am still standing.  

Dear Jonny

      Today I find myself captured in a place of loss. A friend of mine passed away yesterday and I have been reeling ever since I heard the news. Despite the fact that I only spent what seems like a moment with him, he made a tremendous impact on me. Like so many others have said, I keep waiting for this all to be proven a joke or a dream. I can't seem to make sense of it at all. Jonny was not just a good man, he was one of the best. Not only was he brave, having served during several deployments (some of which happened AFTER his initial honorable discharge), he was also fiercely loyal to those he held dear. He had a quick wit and the greatest sense of humor. Even when his joke was aimed at you, one couldn't help but join in the laughter. Although he probably wouldn't admit it himself, he was also quite a gentleman. I once saw him change a tire for a woman he didn't know in the scorching heat while several others just stood by and watched. I can only imagine what others who knew Jonny better must feel if his passing has this much of an effect on me. My prayers are with those that are feeling the loss of this great man. Rest in peace Jonny. RLTW

Life Unscripted

Things have changed.
Plans have failed.
I look for meaning on a grander scale.

My hopes are dashed
as the storm begins,
and I lose my foothold once again.

Life's script is torn.
It's pages scattered
as if the script had never mattered.

All that is left
is the longing for what was lost.
How was I to know this would be the cost?

Life unscripted, cut short
and drawn to a close
not the way anyone chose.