Keep The Change

      Since my last post my little family has experienced a great deal of change. As a general rule, I don't deal with change well. I am the type of person that enjoy predictability and routine and am throw through a loop when that is tampered with. It's not as if I'm against having new experiences, but for the most part I find the familiar far more enjoyable. This is especially applies to my home life. The last two years have put this part of me to the test and taught me a great deal about myself and about life.
     First of all, we welcomed baby Eleanor to our family. She was born at 38 weeks and 6 days. She arrived perfectly health and was my very first take home baby. She is now nearly a year and a half old and changes every day it seems. She has quite a BIG personality for such a small person. She just recently started sleeping through the night, a feat that I didn't think would ever happen. She is constantly into everything and daily finds new messes to make! She also is talking a bit and FINALLY says "momma" on a regular basis (she used to only do so when she was angry).
      We also sold the first home we have ever owned. It sold so quickly that we weren't able to get a replacement soon enough so we were "hobos", as my son called us, for about two months. We stayed with friends until we were able to find another place to live. It was rough on everyone (probably on me the most), but made having a place of our own that much sweeter. Now we are all settled in our new home. It seems to be a perfect fit for us. It has four bedrooms and even an office area. It also has a large yard and a mature pear tree! It was worth all the stress and outbursts (once again me) that it took to get here.
      The move has allowed us to send our older children to public school this year. After years of being homeschooling, I was nervous about how they would handle the change. I am proud to say they have surpassed all my expectations!  Kambre was awarded Star Student this past week and Kasen has been called brilliant a number of times by his teacher. They both have faced this new chapter of their lives with positive attitudes and eagerness.
     It surprises me how my children so readily adapt to all the craziness that is our lives. When I balk at change and fear it, my children (especially Kambre) seek it out and embrace it. To them change is a grand adventure. Although I may never be that enthusiastic about it, I now am more aware that change can be a good and even necessary thing.

Waiting on an Angel

       So many things have happened since my last post. First of all, we found out that our precious baby is a girl. Also my thankfulness of insurance has waned considerably since fighting over claims is no fun, especially since I never seem to win. Finally my mom has come to stay with us because I am now on full time bed rest and can't take care of things.
       One of the most encouraging things to happen is that I've managed to carry our little one to 36 weeks. Although it hasn't been easy and has required me to forgo a lot, it has been totally worth it. I've never been able to make it this far before. This means that a NICU stay for baby girl is far less likely.  
      While I spend my day laying on the couch (not as enjoyable as it sounds), I find myself reflecting on all that has brought us to this point.  I realize, now more than ever, how completely blessed I am. I have an amazing, skilled doctor who is genuinely invested in the outcome of all of this. I also have a wonderfully supportive family that is willing to take time off work to care for me. Probably the most amazing blessings is the possibility that I may actually have my very first "take home baby".
      Those that know me the best know how significant it would be to me to take home a baby right after birth. Leaving each of my babes behind was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. To be able to avoid that would go a long way to heal some pretty big hurts that I've felt. So I find myself patiently waiting on my angel, until the day she is ready to come.

Thank the Lord for Good Insurance!

My husband works for a hospital, so it would make sense that his insurance would provide excellent coverage. I never realized just how fortunate we are for this until this new baby came into our lives. I have had SIX ultrasounds, a host of very expensive blood tests, AND a $7500 procedure all at NO COST to us. I haven't even mentioned the fact that my insurance company is not only covering, but insisting on progesterone injections which is something most insurance companies refuse to cover. To say I am blessed is an understatement.

Before all this unfolded, I worried in earnest that this new child would bankrupt our family. I had no idea how we would be able to cover all the expenses that one of my pregnancies incurred. I still wonder how we will cover the maximum expensive of $8000 if something should go wrong, but when you compare that amount to a typical $500,000 NICU stay it seems trivial.

As the resident worrier in my household, it is amazing that I have peace about our financial situation during this time. I know that God has placed us here for such a time as this. It has taken many hard lessons for me to learn that being in control is NOT the goal of my life. Instead I am to trust my life to God's will and timing. It's funny to me how this lesson can be reiterated with something so unexpected as dealing with an insurance company.

Pregnancy Announcement

Today I have officially made it to 12 weeks of pregnancy so I decided to celebrate by making a fun announcement. Admittedly it took over an hour to make, but it was well worth it. I am finally starting to believe that I might actually get to keep this little one and my excitement is growing right along with my belly!

Peace at Last

It's amazing how when I truly seek solace in God, he readily provides it. Not an hour after my last posting I received an email from an acquaintance who had, unbeknownst to me, dealt with some of the same issues I have encountered recently in this pregnancy. Sometimes all it takes for me to feel more stable is to know that I'm not alone in all of this. To top it off, I received a good report at my doctor yesterday. Apparently we were able to discover my issue before it claimed my baby's life or mine. Although this pregnancy hasn't been what I had hoped it would be, I feel extremely blessed to be where I am right now, daily shots in my belly and all!  As my doctor said yesterday, in order to get through this with my sanity I must celebrate the small victories and try not to focus so much on the big, scary picture. Yesterday seeing my little one alive and well was one of those victories and you can bet I'm celebrating!

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

The last few weeks have not been easy. My stress level has been extremely high and there isn't much relief in sight. I feel like I'm caught in a whirl pool and am moments away from being sucked under. In addition to every day stress, the start of a new school year, finding a new doctor, and being forced to drop all my college courses, I've received news that several things aren't normal in my pregnancy. Although I try to keep positive, my experience prevents me from fully doing this. I'm emotionally drained and sleep deprived. I desperately need to be pulled from this abyss and have my feet put back on something stable.

It is the idea of finding steady footing that made me think about a bridge over troubled waters. How such a bridge exists for the purpose of providing safe passage for all who seek it.  With that in mind, I realized that God fits perfectly into that analogy.  He is the only safe passage when life's worries seek to overcome you.  Doctors, prescriptions, and even friends and family members cannot do what God can. Right now all I can do is find my way to His bridge because for me the alternative is to drown.

That's the Beat of the Heart

     A heartbeat, the simple sound of life. Sometimes its presents goes unnoticed while other times it is all that matters. Today was one of those moments where a heartbeat needed to be heard. It was the sound that I ached to hear, I prayed to hear. When that soft whoosh whoosh came from the ultrasound machine I came completely undone. There is was lying on the table and I finally was hearing the sound of hope, the sound of fears diminishing, the sound of assurance that I had longed to hear for over a year. Today I heard a heartbeat were once no sound remained. For this day I will forever be grateful.

Choices

       It's funny how life can turn an optimist into a pessimist with just a few twists and turns. I used to be eternally bubbly and positive. Then I lost Darby and that changed a bit. Then Kambre and Kasen were born too soon with too many complications and a little bit more changed.  After that it was the passing of two little people that I will never get to meet on this side of heaven and BOOM! Suddenly I was a negative person. 

       I didn't mean for that to be the case. I loath keeping my hopes in check so that the sadness of disappointment doesn't consume me. I despise that fact that when I do actually get good news, I immediately start waiting for something to go wrong. Regardless of my distaste for my pessimistic outlook, I often feel I don't have a choice in the matter. I feel as if my very being has become negativity embodied. 

       The truth, however, is that I DO have a choice. I can choose to embrace my situation, struggles and all, with a conviction that I will make it through whatever it is that I am facing. Even though I can't be sure things will go my way, I can press forward and not become defined by my struggle. I can decide to see the light while I'm in the darkness and let that light become my focus.

       To shroud everything in a negative light or to embrace the possibility of hope is a choice that I must make every moment. There will undoubtedly be times when I don't have the strength to make the positive choice, but I will relish those times when I do choose it. Although I may never be eternally optimistic, I am hopeful that one day my positive days far outnumber my days of doubt. 

Holding my Breath and Crossing my Legs

Here we go again is all I can think right now. Recently after a ridiculous amount of peeing on sticks, I discovered that I've conceived yet again. As most know, this is merely the first step in a LONG journey from two lines to a baby in my arms. The whole process rarely works out for me, but yet I still have hope that it might. So far everything looks like it's going alright. My HCG levels are doubling and are appropriately high for my length of gestation and my progesterone levels are adequate. Also my new RE has "watched me like a hawk" as she promised to do. She allowed me to supplement my progesterone for peace of mind and also put me on baby aspirin just in case. I am blessed to have found her and it is her diligence in care that has kept me sane during a week where ever little pain or twinge has puts me in a tizzy. So for now I'm holding my breath, crossing my legs, and praying for the best!

Blessings That Bring Joy

It is often very hard for me to find a blessing when life is not going the way I want it to. Recently I've been begging for some comfort and just a little bit of good news. You see, having a good friend die and two miscarriages all in the last six months has really taken it's toll on me and my faith. I was caught up in weakness and despair. Then last Friday came around and that all changed some.

First of all, my doctor's office called and actually had good news. The testing I had done all came back normal. Although this means that since there is nothing wrong the doctor has nothing to fix, it still quieted my soul to know that my body was in relative working order.

I also found out that my daughter was accepted into the charter school that I applied her to many months ago. Educating my children has been an all consuming problem for me these last few years (to the point that I've mentioned it to nearly everyone I've come into contact with since it all began). The public school in our district failed epically at providing sound education for my daughter and finding an alternative has proven to be quite a challenge. This last year, with no where else to turn, I homeschooled my children. It wasn't pretty. In fact it was a source of stress and contention in my household nearly the whole year through. My children learned what they needed, but it took a toll on everyone. So to have an answer, a place equipped to teach is a tremendous relief for me. We are still waiting on my son's acceptance into the same school for kindergarten, but at the moment I am content in the knowledge that my daughter will be taken care of.

The bottom line is I'll take these little blessings. The Lord knows that I've needed them. For the first time in a long time and am feeling a sense of peace and dare I say joy.

 

Even if it Breaks Your Heart

    Long before The Eli Young Band sang it, Will Hoge sang "Even if it Breaks Your Heart". Although this particular song is about an singer following his dream, it resonates with me. I have followed my dream of having children past the point of heart break not once but 5 times. I am blessed beyond measure by the two children that, despite tumultuous beginnings, are now playing loudly in the playroom. At the same time my soul aches for the ones that left too soon. Yet still find myself dreaming that one day I will have another healthy baby.

   Recently I had some testing done to see what might be causing me to miscarry. As I wait for the results I tremble in fear. What if they find something, and at the same time what if they don't? What if they can't "fix" that broken part of me that is causing all of this? Will I be ok if I never get to have another baby? Will this dream break more than my heart but my sanity as well?  These are the questions that swirl in my mind today.

  I think of those blessed individuals that have never been faced with miscarriage or child loss. Although I envy them, I know that my path towards my dream of having children has shaped me into who I am. I am stronger than I ever realized I could be. I find hope in the hopeless. I keep on dreaming despite heart break, uncertainty, and fear. Above all I am still standing.  

Dear Jonny

      Today I find myself captured in a place of loss. A friend of mine passed away yesterday and I have been reeling ever since I heard the news. Despite the fact that I only spent what seems like a moment with him, he made a tremendous impact on me. Like so many others have said, I keep waiting for this all to be proven a joke or a dream. I can't seem to make sense of it at all. Jonny was not just a good man, he was one of the best. Not only was he brave, having served during several deployments (some of which happened AFTER his initial honorable discharge), he was also fiercely loyal to those he held dear. He had a quick wit and the greatest sense of humor. Even when his joke was aimed at you, one couldn't help but join in the laughter. Although he probably wouldn't admit it himself, he was also quite a gentleman. I once saw him change a tire for a woman he didn't know in the scorching heat while several others just stood by and watched. I can only imagine what others who knew Jonny better must feel if his passing has this much of an effect on me. My prayers are with those that are feeling the loss of this great man. Rest in peace Jonny. RLTW

Life Unscripted

Things have changed.
Plans have failed.
I look for meaning on a grander scale.

My hopes are dashed
as the storm begins,
and I lose my foothold once again.

Life's script is torn.
It's pages scattered
as if the script had never mattered.

All that is left
is the longing for what was lost.
How was I to know this would be the cost?

Life unscripted, cut short
and drawn to a close
not the way anyone chose.

Here's to the Hold Outs

    If you live in suburbia like I do every once in a while you may notice a piece of land that seems out of place. On this land there may be an old farm house, perhaps some cattle, or maybe even some crops growing. The land doesn't look at all like the subdivisions and shopping centers it is squeezed in between. In fact, it probably was in place long before these structures ever existed.

   To some, this land is a nuisance. It serves as a reminder of an antiquated lifestyle that society no longer embraces. Often, it is considered a smelly, eye sore that is standing in the way of development. In my mind however, there is a depth of meaning to be found there on that unyielding ground.

    There, on that piece of land resides what I affectionately call "the hold outs".  These are the people that refused to give up their land, their tradition in favor of progress. They do this despite hardship and pressure from the outside world. Continuously they toil on plots of land that have become sacred to them. These people are not defined by modern societies standards, but rather a set of standards that they, themselves have dictated.

   Perhaps the reason I find such a kinship with these dear folks, is that I too feel like a hold out. Society tells us that our worth is measured by our paycheck, yet I do not earn a paycheck. Society also tells us that the modern woman doesn't need to cook, clean, or provide unassisted care for the children yet I do these things. Undoubtedly, my families financial burden would be lighter if I had a job. My workload would be made more bearable if I hired a cleaning service, ate out, and sent my children to day care, but all of this would not make me who I want to be. I refuse conform to societies standards. Instead I choose to set my own standards based on "antiquated" ideas because I believe that this is the right thing for me to do. There are, of course, times when I feel inadequate, as if what I am doing doesn't matter because society doesn't commend it. It is at during those times I like to drive by that ever present calm field in the middle of a swirl of commotion and think to myself "Here's to us hold outs".
 
 

If I Were in Charge

If I were in charge there would be no war, no violence, no blood shed. There would be no need for soldiers or guns and the world would know peace.

If I were in charge no one would spend more than they earned, including the powers that run this great land. Our treasures would be the people we hold dear, rather than the things we bought that distract us from them.

 If I were in charge there would be no hungry children or families unable to afford the necessities. People would take care of each other rather than relying on a corrupt system of elected liars to meet the need.

If I were in charge those that desperately desired children would have their hearts comforted by the fulfillment of that yearning, if not naturally than through affordable adoption. No woman would ever be given the incredible gift of life inside her if she was willing to sacrifice this gift for convenience sake.

Unfortunately I am not in charge, nor will I ever be. My only hope resides in the fact that changes can be made to these ends. Somehow the sorrow, anger, and affliction of past mistakes and bad decision making must be learned from. We must not continue on this path that will lead to our self destructive end.


 

April 13th 2012

Today I learned you were inside me
My dearest, little unknown

My heart leaps at your possibility
and will revel as I watch you grow

You are the sum of my hope
an answer to prayer

All of my joy
is simply knowing you are there

Right now all I can do is to beg you to stay
unlike the others that had to fly away

Sweet little person
stay safe where you found your start

Until I hold you in my arms
I will hold you in my heart

For Better or Worse

In my life, I have been blessed abundantly. I have two healthy children despite their tumultuous beginnings. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my refrigerator. I want for nothing save petty things that do not matter. Perhaps my greatest blessing however is the one I take for granted the most; my husband.

Our journey together has not been an easy one. There has been great strife, contention, sorrow, and quite frankly the temptation to call it quits. Despite all of this we have managed to stick it out. Together we have a partnership that has stood up against trials as well as the trivial. I know that I am one of the few, lucky ones that can make this claim and it is with no shame that I say I count my marriage as one of my greatest achievements. 

Obviously, I did not get to this place alone. My husband, who is so willing to love me, irritate me, and put up with me, has been my companion through it all. There are few people that I respect as much I as do my husband and I am grateful, often more than I let be known, for his constant presence in my life. Although we are now facing what could prove to be yet another great challenge, I know that we will as we always have, conquer it together.     

Kasen Colt

After everything my husband and I had gone through to get our daughters into the world, we were content with our family size. So it came as quite a shock when I found out I was having yet another child. So much so, in fact, that I was convinced it was just a false positive. When the doctor confirmed that I was in fact going to have a baby, I tried to prepare myself for the roller coaster of emotion I was about to go on. We found out relatively early on that we would be having a boy (much to the dismay of my husband) and so I convinced myself that this time things would be different. Armed with even more experience I approached this new pregnancy as if it were a final battle. I was going to do whatever it took to keep this little guy in my belly and out of the NICU. I had the cerclage again, but this time I added progesterone injects and contraction monitors to my arsenal. I had two bouts of preterm labor, one of which was due to a bad stomach bug (I had literally thrown up to the point of labor). All was looking good, until at 35 weeks I decided to finish my Christmas shopping at the mall rather than from the couch like I should have.  Within 24 hours my water had broken and on December 21 2006 Kasen Colt was born. Although he was only slightly premature, he had trouble breathing on his own. He was moved to the level 3 NICU on Christmas Eve in order to be intubated  and given surfactant. Although Kambre had been very ill, she had never been to the level 3 NICU so this was quite a blow. Twenty days after Kasen was born he was released from the hospital on a apnea monitor and in a car bed because he couldn't keep his oxygen saturations up. Since that time Kasen has grown in leaps and bounds. He is now a robust 4 year old. He still has some breathing trouble due to allergies, but he may have had those anyway due to genetics. Kasen is yet another reminder to me that our only limits are those that we set for ourselves and nothing is impossible.

Kambre Anne

After Darby left our lives, I was filled with an emptiness. I longed for a child more than ever and could not be persuaded against the idea. Reluctantly, my husband went along with my plan. By August I was pregnant again. This time I was slightly more prepared to deal with and identify any problems that might arise. I had a procedure called a cerclage done at 12 weeks and thought for sure that my worries were over. By 26 weeks of pregnancy, this proved not to be the case. I was went into labor, but for the time being, the doctors were able to stop it. This happened twice more. Finally on January 30th my water broke under the constant strain of contractions. Almost exactly 24 hours later my daughter Kambre Anne was born. I had carried her for 31 weeks, but that was not nearly long enough. Like most preemies she had trouble maintaining her body temperature and her oxygen levels. She also could not eat on her own. Additionally two ventricles on either side of her brain had hemorrhaged. One of these hemorrhages caused her brain to scar. Due to her lack of progress and the scarring, we were told she would probably have some form of Cerebral Palsy. She was released from the hospital on Good Friday, a full two and a half months after being born. Since that time she has shocked everyone with her amazing resilience. She has overcome, quite  effortlessly, some insurmountable obstacles. Last year Kambre started Kindergarten and I was anxious to see where she stood academically.  One day, I received an email from her teacher to tell me that she was going to refer Kambre to the gifted program! To say that I am proud of my daughter would be a grievous understatement. She has taught me so many things over the years that I truly do not know where I would be without my strong, funny, smart little girl.

Darby Elizabeth

When I was 18 I had a doctor tell me that due to some medical problems I had, it would be wise to have children as soon as possible if I wanted to have them at all and even then it may never come to pass. Fortunately for me, my then boyfriend was willing to test this theory out. We were married in May of the following year. In January, I got what I still consider to be the best news of my life. I was pregnant with our first child! Although this is an everyday, mundane occurrence to most people, for me it literally the sum of my every hope and prayer. It wasn't until some months later that that dream was dashed against the rocks of life. On April 18th 2004 I started having some complications. I went to the hospital and found out that I was in labor. Due to hospital policy, it was determined that no action would be taken to stop my labor. Since I was only 19 weeks along we knew that our child would not be able to survive. Darby Elizabeth was born and passed away on April 19th 2004. I have often been known to say that it's ironic how the best and worst day of one's life can revolve around the same person. This is most certainly how I regard Darby. It has now been over seven years since we lost our daughter. Although I am not in the same place that I was when it happened, I still have moments in which the pain is no less poignant that it was back then. I am convinced that Darby's memory will forever stir my soul. Her life, although it lasted just a moment, changed mine forever.