Waiting on an Angel

       So many things have happened since my last post. First of all, we found out that our precious baby is a girl. Also my thankfulness of insurance has waned considerably since fighting over claims is no fun, especially since I never seem to win. Finally my mom has come to stay with us because I am now on full time bed rest and can't take care of things.
       One of the most encouraging things to happen is that I've managed to carry our little one to 36 weeks. Although it hasn't been easy and has required me to forgo a lot, it has been totally worth it. I've never been able to make it this far before. This means that a NICU stay for baby girl is far less likely.  
      While I spend my day laying on the couch (not as enjoyable as it sounds), I find myself reflecting on all that has brought us to this point.  I realize, now more than ever, how completely blessed I am. I have an amazing, skilled doctor who is genuinely invested in the outcome of all of this. I also have a wonderfully supportive family that is willing to take time off work to care for me. Probably the most amazing blessings is the possibility that I may actually have my very first "take home baby".
      Those that know me the best know how significant it would be to me to take home a baby right after birth. Leaving each of my babes behind was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. To be able to avoid that would go a long way to heal some pretty big hurts that I've felt. So I find myself patiently waiting on my angel, until the day she is ready to come.

Thank the Lord for Good Insurance!

My husband works for a hospital, so it would make sense that his insurance would provide excellent coverage. I never realized just how fortunate we are for this until this new baby came into our lives. I have had SIX ultrasounds, a host of very expensive blood tests, AND a $7500 procedure all at NO COST to us. I haven't even mentioned the fact that my insurance company is not only covering, but insisting on progesterone injections which is something most insurance companies refuse to cover. To say I am blessed is an understatement.

Before all this unfolded, I worried in earnest that this new child would bankrupt our family. I had no idea how we would be able to cover all the expenses that one of my pregnancies incurred. I still wonder how we will cover the maximum expensive of $8000 if something should go wrong, but when you compare that amount to a typical $500,000 NICU stay it seems trivial.

As the resident worrier in my household, it is amazing that I have peace about our financial situation during this time. I know that God has placed us here for such a time as this. It has taken many hard lessons for me to learn that being in control is NOT the goal of my life. Instead I am to trust my life to God's will and timing. It's funny to me how this lesson can be reiterated with something so unexpected as dealing with an insurance company.

Pregnancy Announcement

Today I have officially made it to 12 weeks of pregnancy so I decided to celebrate by making a fun announcement. Admittedly it took over an hour to make, but it was well worth it. I am finally starting to believe that I might actually get to keep this little one and my excitement is growing right along with my belly!

Peace at Last

It's amazing how when I truly seek solace in God, he readily provides it. Not an hour after my last posting I received an email from an acquaintance who had, unbeknownst to me, dealt with some of the same issues I have encountered recently in this pregnancy. Sometimes all it takes for me to feel more stable is to know that I'm not alone in all of this. To top it off, I received a good report at my doctor yesterday. Apparently we were able to discover my issue before it claimed my baby's life or mine. Although this pregnancy hasn't been what I had hoped it would be, I feel extremely blessed to be where I am right now, daily shots in my belly and all!  As my doctor said yesterday, in order to get through this with my sanity I must celebrate the small victories and try not to focus so much on the big, scary picture. Yesterday seeing my little one alive and well was one of those victories and you can bet I'm celebrating!

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

The last few weeks have not been easy. My stress level has been extremely high and there isn't much relief in sight. I feel like I'm caught in a whirl pool and am moments away from being sucked under. In addition to every day stress, the start of a new school year, finding a new doctor, and being forced to drop all my college courses, I've received news that several things aren't normal in my pregnancy. Although I try to keep positive, my experience prevents me from fully doing this. I'm emotionally drained and sleep deprived. I desperately need to be pulled from this abyss and have my feet put back on something stable.

It is the idea of finding steady footing that made me think about a bridge over troubled waters. How such a bridge exists for the purpose of providing safe passage for all who seek it.  With that in mind, I realized that God fits perfectly into that analogy.  He is the only safe passage when life's worries seek to overcome you.  Doctors, prescriptions, and even friends and family members cannot do what God can. Right now all I can do is find my way to His bridge because for me the alternative is to drown.

That's the Beat of the Heart

     A heartbeat, the simple sound of life. Sometimes its presents goes unnoticed while other times it is all that matters. Today was one of those moments where a heartbeat needed to be heard. It was the sound that I ached to hear, I prayed to hear. When that soft whoosh whoosh came from the ultrasound machine I came completely undone. There is was lying on the table and I finally was hearing the sound of hope, the sound of fears diminishing, the sound of assurance that I had longed to hear for over a year. Today I heard a heartbeat were once no sound remained. For this day I will forever be grateful.

Choices

       It's funny how life can turn an optimist into a pessimist with just a few twists and turns. I used to be eternally bubbly and positive. Then I lost Darby and that changed a bit. Then Kambre and Kasen were born too soon with too many complications and a little bit more changed.  After that it was the passing of two little people that I will never get to meet on this side of heaven and BOOM! Suddenly I was a negative person. 

       I didn't mean for that to be the case. I loath keeping my hopes in check so that the sadness of disappointment doesn't consume me. I despise that fact that when I do actually get good news, I immediately start waiting for something to go wrong. Regardless of my distaste for my pessimistic outlook, I often feel I don't have a choice in the matter. I feel as if my very being has become negativity embodied. 

       The truth, however, is that I DO have a choice. I can choose to embrace my situation, struggles and all, with a conviction that I will make it through whatever it is that I am facing. Even though I can't be sure things will go my way, I can press forward and not become defined by my struggle. I can decide to see the light while I'm in the darkness and let that light become my focus.

       To shroud everything in a negative light or to embrace the possibility of hope is a choice that I must make every moment. There will undoubtedly be times when I don't have the strength to make the positive choice, but I will relish those times when I do choose it. Although I may never be eternally optimistic, I am hopeful that one day my positive days far outnumber my days of doubt.